So…the other night I was watching Robert Rodriguez’s “Planet Terror.” And let me tell you…it is TERRIBLE. I’m not opposed to movies like this, I’ve been watching Troma Films for a long time…but this one was AWFUL. Death Proof is really great though, but that’s a whole other story. Anyway, it’s important to note that I was physically ill while watching it (due to a viral infection that I contracted from Erin of Austin Texas)…and heavily under the influence of Mother Earth’s harvest. So basically, I was on my couch and there were two cats laying on me and I didn’t have control over any tangible objects around me past what I could reach with my arms. I have fairly long arms, but at that moment…the only things that they could possibly interact with were my kittens and my cellphone. This is when the trouble began. I have a strict “no walking out” policy on movies…no matter how shitty they are. So I knew that I had to power through the rest of this turd of a movie. I adopted this policy because my sister, a video editor and film enthusiast, once said to me that she will give any film a chance because she knows that somewhere during the production of it…a person put their heart into their work. Those words stuck with me to this day. I think it is a very nice sentiment. So there I was, on a couch…with a terrible farce of a “kitchy” zombie movie in front of me…with only my cellphone for entertainment. I opened up my red and AIDs preventing phone…and in my drug induced haze, began to nervously click on menu items that until now were offlimits to my conscious, money counting mind.
A quick pause to the story though to reiterate that I don’t have TV at home. I have A TV, but the only channels that it gets are the Trinity Broadcasting Network (which is actually pretty awesome), and ION Televion (telah-vizh-ion). I walk that really thin line between being an observant follower of the unwritten rules of being a productive member of society (Rule 3C: No sitting in front of the television unless Degrassi is on!)…and being totally in love with anything that this magical box has to say with me. Essentially…I am addicted to television, and while I have been “television sober” for about a year and a half now…I sometimes have my weak moments. Sitting there on the couch, blunted to reality, and surrounded by kitten faces…I had such a moment.
So I started clicking around on this cellphone of mine and I came across this menu that says “TV”. I have heard tell that it is possible to watch TV on a cellphone, but I had no idea until this moment that MY CELLPHONE would allow me to re-enter this world of hilarious jokes and laugh tracks. Plus, not having TV or internet at home means that I am really far removed from my second true love (Degrassi). Is it possible that the Sprint Telephone Corporation would provide me the technology to stand there staring at my phone like an idiot while Canadian Teen Dramas are streamed over the ether and into my handset? I had to investigate.
The results of my investigation…
When it was all said and done, it cost me $40 to watch an hour of Degrassi The Next Generation on my fucking cellphone while I laid there on my couch…barely able to breath (asthma plus sickness plus kitten dander plus drugs)…and with a shitty zombie movie (with Bruce Willis in it) watching over me like a heckling middle school bully. I equate this whole event to the “sex acts for drugs” level of addiction. $40 is a lot of money for me…but in my moment of weakness, there was no price too high to satisfy my new episode of Degrassi jones that has been building up since I left Chicago. I’m at once proud and embarrassed. The quality of the streaming video was poor, the audio was unsynced, and I didn’t even get to see the end of that Halloween bullshit that they tried to pass off as a legit chapter of Degrassi-cana.
That is the end of this story.
Earnestly,
Degrassi Digest - Editor In Chief
Idiot
